We’d read all the books, secured a nursery place, bought, begged and borrowed all of the oh-so-essential baby equipment. We’d even played a CD to our dog, which had nothing but sounds of babies crying and gurgling so that our lively Spaniel would accept our baby when he arrived. Oh, how perfect everything was going to be. Our baby would fit seamlessly into our lives and we would be great parents! Our lives didn’t have to change that much. I would still ensure I look after our baby, get my sleep, drink hot cups of tea, make time to do my hair every morning, take care of myself and you, have romantic and fun couple time with you, walk the dog, go to work (where I would still give my all), keep the house organised, and learn to cook – be an ‘everything’ mum and wife. Bring it on! I was ready. Or so I thought…
But then we started to question everything. Should we be attending every single childbirth class and reading every single parenting book? Are we already neglectful parents if we don’t? And what about all the baby paraphernalia – cots, moses baskets, prams, pushchairs, changing stations, car seats, high chairs, baby carriers, monitors, nappies and bath chairs. Not to mention toe clippers, thermometers, nasal suction devices (!), baby wipes, bottles, sterilisers and dummies. Are these all essential for our child’s health and happiness? Will we regret it if we don’t purchase the expensive sterilising system that can be switched on remotely using the essential baby app on our even more essential state of the art baby proof iPhone? Should we move house so that we can fit all this stuff in?
When our precious little bundle arrives, should we breast or bottle feed? If we bottle feed will we be ostracised by society? If we breast feed how do we know if the baby is getting enough milk? Should we use reusable or disposable nappies, reusable or disposable wipes? How much should our baby sleep? And where? And when? If we leave the baby with gran for a couple of hours while we have some time together are we being selfish? Does this mean we don’t love our baby as much as other parents who would “never leave their baby, ever”? Should we practise attachment parenting? Do we really know what attachment parenting is? How exactly would we be “making a rod for our own backs”?
Before we had a chance to answers these questions along came baby number one. A tiny, premature, perfect boy. We were smitten but in shock. Everything changed in our world – emotionally, financially and practically. Once our son was able to come home I found the transition from being a career woman to a new mum very challenging. I also found that we had to re-think our relationship and how we related to each other and to this new little being that we had somehow made. I felt as though we were starting again! Did you recognise this tired, somewhat fraught, emotional woman by your side?
Two years (and many dirty nappies and nights in) later, along came baby number two. A full term, not so tiny, perfect girl. We became a family of four.
As I write this I wonder how I have changed in your eyes? Am I still the person you fell for before our first baby came into our world? Look closely and you’ll see that I’m still that person but a with a ‘mummy upgrade’ now installed! I still make time to do my hair, but instead of having the time to wash, dry and straighten all before breakfast, I now make do with a few swift rakes of the brush and a stretched hair band. I ensure I go on the school run in clothes that fit and which, at least nowadays, are without the tell-tale drips of milk possets down my back. Instead of getting dressed in my smartly ironed clothes and going to an office every day, conversing with adults and tapping on a computer from 9-6, swapping stories of exotic holidays, drunken nights out and office gossip, I’m now self-employed, wear whatever I want (usually un-ironed), and work bloody hard day and night, for our family, myself, for you and for all the parents and families I now help support. I keep the house organised by having big cupboards where all the ‘miscellaneous’ mess goes and I now view cobwebs as interesting decoration. (In fact, I even have my own pet Tarantulas to prove that yes, I know there are cobwebs gracing the corners of every room but it’s only because I love spiders so much…) Our time as a couple often involves a quick “I’m more tired than you” conversation as we both collapse on the sofa at the end of the day. As for the bedroom, well, most of the jumping around that goes on in our bed nowadays is from the kids playing trampolines…
Having children has certainly tested our relationship. What was once a relatively selfish world we inhabited as a couple has morphed into a little person dominated reality show, where all of our personal beliefs, flaws, weaknesses and strengths are constantly exposed by two little people. We can’t hide from who we are and how we behave when every action is watched, every word is questioned and every ‘end of our tether rant’ listened to, stored up and repeated to grandparents or to friends in the school playground. We now have to navigate the normal relationship ebbs and flows with less sleep, less energy, less money and less time. And it’s not easy. But it’s all so worth it (most of the time!). When things get tough, and boy does the responsibility of parenthood get tough, we find a way through together. We are not perfect, as parents or as spouses, but who is? I do know that we are both constantly amazed at just how much we love our children, and how we just can’t imagine our lives without them.
Thanks, for being you. And for buying me chocolate.
Amanda Bryant, mum of 2 and owner of Bean2Baby Wharfedale and North Leeds.
